My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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