Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
