I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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