Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
