If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my shit smells like andre
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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