So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
