he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Damn victory sex feels great
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
