Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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