we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It's rum buckets o'clock
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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