You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
