i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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