so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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