He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
