I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
