Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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