I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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