I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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