My liver just broke up with me...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
