Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
