When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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