I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
