We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
