I cockslap morals
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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