I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
