Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize