My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
