He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
