i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
