Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
