i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize