I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
