every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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