fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
