Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
