He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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