i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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