dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
