So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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