You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Barsexuality is the new black.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
