You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
