she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
