I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
