: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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