Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
