I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
