see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize