sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
