is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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