I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
