I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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