Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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