Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
