Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
this beer tastes like vomit already
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
