Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
