You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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