remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
